I knew it had been a long time since I had posted. But look at this – it was exactly one year ago. And I don’t know if it’s exactly three-hundred and sixty five (six! Leap Year) days ago, but I am counting a year by cleanses, by my own little cycles I’ve set up for my self. And my last post was about the Spring cleanse I was going to do for myself. Here we are again, and I have just finished this year’s.
I had been feeling very irritable this morning. Angry, frustrated. I am not normally like that. This Spring has been a bit tumultuous – can it be gently and slowly tumultuous? – with shifts in my job situation, reminding me again that this path I am on is not always going to be solid and reliable. I chose this path, with awareness, though that doesn’t make it easy. Easy to forgive yourself. This is what my final affirmation was, after the meditation that brought me back down into my self, swastha, actually accomplishing what I ad hoped it would.
“I am strong and gentle, and I am forgiving of myself.”
This was the affirmation. And afterward I breathed and focused and chanted on the root chakra. I truly felt the power, and gentle power, settling me into my seat. I am so grateful. I was journaling, trying to find the root of this frustration. I did need to write that my yoga classes are not satisfying me at the moment, they do not feel like a dream job I can not wait to go to. This needed to be said, it needs to change, and I am not exactly sure how it will, but the writing it down felt good. Yoga practices, and I have made this revelation before, are so subtle. The fruits are subtle, yet deep, they take listening to. Like the quote I used to have on my desk, by Franz Kafka:
“You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.”
Expectations are not what is needed, but intention is…though always be open to nature’s interpretation.